The final seven games reviewed for your bemusement!
PLAYERS: 1-2 simultaneous/alternating
PUBLISHER: American Video Entertainment
RELEASE DATE: 1992
There’s that yum yum stakk’um I’ve been longing for.
Please won’t you stakk’m… for the children? This is another one of those “falling block” games that all the kids like to tweet about on their iPhones during recess. Each block is a number from 1-9, and the goal is to stakk up three of the same numbers (like 3, 3, 3) or three numbers that go in order (like 7, 8, 9). Stakk’m vertically, horizontally, diagonally, any ol’ which way one can stakk things. Completely and utterly “there.”
I shoot because I care, you stupid deathbots!
It’s like if the movie “Tron” only believed in metallic grey and substituted Jeff Bridges and creativity for legions of evil robots shooting at you, Joe “Bluesuit” Sixpack. The whole goal is to run through creepy corridors and shoot robots, but you can’t avoid robot lasers, which means your death will be swift and glorious. Embrace it.
RAD RACKET: DELUXE TENNIS II
Wimbledon ain’t what it used to be.
I’ve chucked a tennis racket in my day, many of them fine companions, but never have I been bold enough to call a racket “rad.” My loss, I suppose. Rad Racket Tennis gives you three court choices, six different players, and a lot of back-and-forth hitting of tennis balls. It really resembles Nintendo’s Tennis, except with a woozier, Nyquil feel. I prefer Referee Mario and there was never a Deluxe Tennis I. Liars.
That is one disgustingly short time limit you have there.
What makes a man, my friends? Is it shooting old women with baby carriages? How about entering a torture chamber, and instead of helping the torture victims, shooting them? These are the costs Chiller asks you to count before picking up a Zapper. Personally, if I were a woman and my man wanted to vindicate his manhood before me, he’d shoot this game because it is the epitome of garbage. Oh yeah. That’d get me going.
If you’ve ever laid hands on a computer, regardless of if you’re a toddler or an old soul, you’ve gone round for round with Solitaire. The only difference between this particular Nintendo-flavored version is that it’s a tad slower than, say, playing it with your fingers on a tablet. Solitaire technology has made tremendous waves over the past couple decades. It’s still fun, but it’s only one step above playing with an actual deck.
Menace II Society: Long Beach Ninjas
Your girlfriend’s been kidnapped by Demon Dan (obviously not a real demon because Dan is a very non-threatening name) and she’ll throw vicious barbs at you until you get her back! Seriously, what’s a fun-lovin’, skating dude gotta do to get some respect? I say, let your girlfriend hang there. The controls are awful, the levels are a mess, and she’s givin’ you no regard, no regard at all.
And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…
Mining for crystals in space? Thank goodness it’s just a one-man expedition, and not chock-full of slavery. Shockwave is a surprisingly complicated little puzzle game that consists of shooting blocks to move blocks that are next to the blocks you just shot. It’s strange, but it makes sense as you shock along. If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is the most interesting game of the bunch.
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