#008 – Action 52: Part the Fourth

Even terrible things have an end.

PLAYERS: 1-2 simultaneous/alternating

PUBLISHER: Active Enterprises

DEVELOPER: Active Enterprises

GENRE: Controller-smashing

RELEASE DATE: September 1991

Parts One, Two, and Three can be found here. Order is key.

#40: BILLY BOB

Trapped in a cage (despite all my rage), I can not move without pressing gently on the cage door, opening the cage, and stepping out of the cage. Once I have released myself from the cage, I drop off into a hole. Spears plunge down at me from the ceiling, disabling me at every step. Literally, every step. I can’t take a step without a spear plunging from the ceiling. I should have stayed in my cage.

#41: CITY OF DOOM

I climb past windows of apartments where old women knit, where children watch “Tom and Jerry”, where single women smoke and pace, where businessmen sleep in their suits, where people keep to themselves. I climb in this City of Doom. Such is my place.

#42: BITS AND PIECES

A corpse rises, bit by bit, piece by piece, and once he is fully assembled, ventures out into the graveyard to face all of the Universal Monsters – Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Creature from the Black Lagoon – and slay their legacies.

#43: BEEPS AND BLIPS

“Have you ever seen the sun, Private? It’s so bright and hot that a glimpse of one of its rays can destroy a man. And yet, it is one of the most majestic bodies in space. What lies within it? We need to know. That’s why I’m giving you this Jolly Rancher Class F ship. Don’t ask me why, such a question is beneath you. Just engage its deliciousness and get out of my sight.”

#44: MANCHESTER

So much to answer for. I don’t owe you anything, but a rush and a push – and the land is ours. These things typically take time, but not since the Queen’s been dead. Ah, you’ve got everything now – and what difference does it make, eh? Frankly, Mr. Shankly, some girls are bigger than others and I’m still ill.

#45: BOSS

When mankind disappeared and dinosaurs again ruled the earth, it was only a matter of time before they would build and inhabit cities of their own. And learn how to use shotguns. And form gangs. And kill each other. Dinosaurs are just like humans, really.

#46: DEDANT

If Danzig and Adam Ant ever got together, maybe they’d form a band called Dedant. It would be about insect rights. They would put out one decent album before splitting up. Songs included would be “This Little Bee (What Do Ya See?)”, “Mantis Don’t Pray,” and “Tonight we Weep (Fallen Roaches).”

#47: HAMBO (HAMBO’S ADVENTURES)

Uncle Hambo slaps on a toupeé, girds his loins, and steps outside for what he thinks will be another radiant day in Ham-Ham Land. But all is not well. Some raging young ham has stolen the prized Golden Glaze, a sacred sauce passed down from generations of previous Hambos. Oh Uncle Hambo! Recover the glaze! Your luminous glow depends on it!

#48: TIME WARP TICKERS

We’re called to survive assaults, even though many of us will never see battle. The assaults I speak of are judgments. Whether they are pronounced on you silently or spoken directly to your face, it makes no difference. They mean to destroy you. Evil means to destroy you. You’ve probably spoken a few judgments of your own. None of us are innocent, no, not one.

#49: JIGSAW

After the “Saw” franchise ended with “Saw VII: The Rustiest Blade,” Jigsaw wandered aimlessly in an eight-bit wasteland. Without capturing and torturing victims, who was he? He was not a man. He was a puppet, a puppet with a yearning for human blood. That doesn’t even make sense, he thought. Why do I care about the blood of humans? Suddenly, the eight-bit wasteland collapsed, trapping him forever.

#50: NINJA ASSAULT

Ninjas aren’t typically known for their dancing skills, but don’t tell that to Breakdancin’ Billy, the Assault Ninja with constant pep in his step. He can no more control his limbs than a cat can control their tail! Oh, and only one foe at a time, please. He’s not a miracle worker.

#51: ROBBIE ROBOT

Robbie sure looks like a real boy to me.

#52: THE CHEETAHMEN

And it all comes down to this: The Cheetahmen. Why talk about The Cheetahmen? It’s terrible. I hate Action-52. I hate every single game contained within its soulless design. It has wretched graphics, horrid play control, and disgraceful gameplay. The few people involved with this game should be ashamed of themselves. They should be ashamed of charging people two hundred dollars for a broken piece of crap. May Action-52 continue to be thought of as one of the worst games of all time. It truly is as bad as everyone says it is, and worse.

F-

Oh, and kudos to you if you made it through all of these mini-“reviews.” I hope my pain comes across in these half-baked thoughts.