#289 – Hot Slot (s)

Hot-Slots

                      

                                                      What is this, Duke Nukem? Go take a bath, you cardboard cutouts!

 

Hot-Slot-Unl-0

          

                                   Behold! The thrilling spectacle of virtual slot machines, sans naked women!

 

PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Panesian

DEVELOPER: Hacker International

GENRE: Gambling

RELEASE DATE: 1991

 

The second after Bubble Bath Babes in the infamous Panesian trilogy of NES porn games, Hot Slots will not light your loins, or any other standby body parts, on fire, though it does indeed contain slot machines. Three of them, in fact! Will wonders never cease? Pick your slot (machine): will you opt for Cutie Bunny, Juicy Fruit, or the ever enticing Las Vegas (why would they bother to make two sexually suggestive names and not three?). I couldn’t tell the difference between any of them because, at the end of the day, you put your money into the machine, pull the lever, and hope you win. Yep, that’s the entire game. If you win any money, a screen will pop up from below the machine and inform you of your earnings. A covered-up girl will look at you seductively, just waiting for you to earn enough money before her stifling clothes can come off. According to ThisIsD7, the author of the one and only FAQ for this game at GameFAQS, the girls will need to know that you’ve won a cool $210 before any layers begin to peel. If you want to see the full pixelated monty, that will run you about $450. This may not sound like much, but it is incredibly hard to win anything. Only 7s, BARS, and color-coded JACS will gain you any amount of money. The slot machines run very fast and easy (!) and you won’t know what you’ve got until you stop them with the D-pad.

 

Let’s face it, if you bought this game back in 1991, you were hoping to see some 8-bit jumblies. There’s no real game contained here, other than playing virtual slot machines, which is about as lively as being hooked up to a feeding tube and watching old game show reruns. My friend, desiring a game for poorly rendered breasts makes you a horny idiot. However, if you have held onto this game these past twenty-one years just for kicks, you are now a very savvy investor. Hot Slots is currently going for upwards of 800 dollars on eBay due to its rarity. I guess the saying is true, then: every slot has its day in the sun.

 

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