Once Upon a Sadness.
PUBLISHER: Titus Software
RELEASE DATE: September 1992
Jake and Elwood were on a mission from God in the original 1980 movie “The Blues Brothers.” I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard it is a really well-done comedy, in an era before copious fart and boob jokes roamed the earth, stomping all other true comedy in their path. I’m pretty sure, though, that Titus, the developers of The Blues Brothers, were on a mission from Satan, as nothing about this game works. It’s not just because the game came out eleven years later than the movie: The game is broken. Acclaim and LJN (brothers from another mother) would be proud to welcome Titus, in forming a Nintendo trifecta of terrible gaming trash.
The one thing I do know about the movie is that Jake and Elwood Blues ran a lot, which coincidentally, is all you do in this side-scrolling action game. Trying to attack enemies? Out of the question. You can’t even jump on the lime-green spiky balls or the security guards and stun them. It’s run or be killed, which makes me believe that the Blues Brothers are pacifists or at least Titus is. The most threatening Jake or Elwood ever look in this game is when they’re holding down their hats as they run; granted, they do look pretty boss, but you know what would be twice as boss? Being able to hurt the things that hurt you. In lieu of that, “A” is jump and “B” is run, and if you aren’t able to combine those two should-be-easy functions, it’s Chinatown for you. You need to be able to run and jump all over this b. Honestly, this is another one of those games where if you get farther than five minutes in, you should be awarded a Congressional Medal of Nintendawesome. Platforms disappear as you stand on them, enemies disappear only to reappear, running jumps happen sometimes and fail other times. John Belushi is rolling over in his grave.
Many good men have battled their way through this game, only to hold their heads in shame as they die over and over again from faulty game mechanics. There are only so many ways to say a bad game is a bad game, so I will say this: I’m pretty sure the “Blues Brothers 2000” movie is better than this game, if only because John Goodman was featured in it (in John Belushi’s position, if I’m not mistaken). Considering the movie was an abomination to mankind and all copies were destroyed from the earth, this is saying a lot. Do not play this game.