#265 – The Goonies II

Chunk’s Big Adventure!

PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Konami

DEVELOPER: Konami

GENRE: Action/adventure

RELEASE DATE: November 1987

When I was a child, seeing The Goonies II at my local Blockbuster without The Goonies I by its side never made much sense. I knew there was an original Goonies arcade game. I had played it at Pizza Hut on one of those sit-down arcades, dag nab it! Strangely, Konami never ported that to the NES (only the Famicom), instead choosing to make a sequel and let the past sort itself out or something. So how is The Goonies II as written by Konami and not Spielberg? Let’s explore.

I know you’re all dying to hear a retro gamer’s take on a retro movie, like “The Goonies.” RIGHT? Well, here it is: it’s fun and goofy. I have no special ties to it, nor do I re-watch it every year in my cult movie group (note: I don’t actually have a cult movie group because I’m too concerned they’ll have John Waters’ marathons). I don’t know if it’s earned its “classic” status, though. It’s a better-than-average 80s movie and I’ll just leave it at that before Chunk punches me.

The Goonies II is pretty much exactly like its predecessor: a map-based puzzle game that requires you to collect items in one part of the map, and use them in other parts. It’s really that tedious! I wouldn’t have a problem with non-linear gameplay, but this game is huge and warp points are rampant. I never really knew where I was after I went in one. I can see it now: the hordes of poor children making their own maps in 1987 (pre-Nintendo Power) desperately wanting a game based on their precious Goonies to not be so blah. Non-linear frustration aside, Goonies II is really boring. Who likes flinging yo-yos into spiders and hired goons? Climb that ladder, little Billy, but make sure you climb really slow. There are doors everywhere. Some of them contain the aforementioned warp points, others contain items useless and otherwise. I really wish the game would have played like a standard point-and-click adventure, as there’s more promise in these short segments than the rest of the side-scrolling malarkey. Then again, I don’t really care.

D-