If 8-year-olds need to play this game to help them learn to make decisions, then God help the future of America.
Wait… where’s the fire?
GENRE: Early Childhood
RELEASE DATE: March 1992
If I were to tell you that I’ve longed for the day when I could rescue Fisher Price people out of “burning” houses, well, that would be a downright dirty lie. I think Fisher-Price is the red-headed second cousin of Duplos, and Duplos, though better than Fisher Price, are Lego’s obese, awkward children. Legos are the ultimate block-building toy and everything else can go suck eggs. BUT I DIGRESS.
I have less than no desire to save Fisher Price people from their ultimate demise. Unfortunately, saving these blockheads is all you do in this game. Drive your fire engine (which is really more of a pink block with wheels on it) through a map “maze” to get to a house. Don’t be fooled by the Store or the Gas Station: those will never be on fire. For some reason, Fisher Price people can’t stop setting their houses ablaze, although, despite the title, I never once saw a house actually burning. Perhaps it was too hard to render pixelated flames or perhaps Fisher Price didn’t want to scar the three-year-olds playing this game with melted people oozing out of the second story windows. I dunno, but the lack of fire makes the whole “Firehouse Rescue” concept seem worthless. Now I know this game is for children, as it has the prefix “Fisher Price” attached to it, but it’s so easy. A story: I first got Super Mario Bros when I was four years old. I may have had no idea what I was doing – I used to jump when Mario jumped and the first Goomba was my worst enemy for awhile – but I loved it. Not knowing how to play the game gave me incentive to play more. Even at age four, I would have conquered all four of Firehouse Rescue‘s difficulty levels in thirty minutes. I may not like kids that much nor do I particularly want one at this current time in my life, but they’re much smarter than this game gives them credit for.
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