#157 - Cybernoid: The Fighting Machine

Not to be confused with Cybernoid: The Sewing Machine.

**Well, there’s no music in the game, so those sound effects better be super de duper.**

**Getting in between those two whirlythingies will test many inches of your patience.**

PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Acclaim

DEVELOPER: Gremlin Graphics

GENRE: Shooter

RELEASE DATE: December 1989

Cybernoid is like a dance between one partner who knows all the moves (the game itself) and one partner who’s stumbling along, trying to figure it out as they go (me and others like me). The game is a take-one-screen-at-a-time shooter, with scores of enemies trying to hinder your progress at every turn. The slightest clip of an enemy into your ship will destroy you, but don’t worry, you have nine lives to lose. Yes, you read that correctly: the game gives you nine lives, at least on the easy difficulty setting. There is no “Normal,” only “Easy,” “Hard,” and “Bats**t Crazy.” Why is Cybernoid so serious, you ask? Your ship isn’t exactly a quick vessel, so evasive maneuvering is out of the question. If left to its own devices, the ship will slowly lower itself onto the bottom of the screen, so you must constantly press “up” on the directional pad to keep it afloat. You have a pea shooter that spits out Pixie Stix. In other words, the game wants you to fail, and fail you will, time and time again. Despite my shortcomings, I still enjoyed Cybernoid‘s masochistic leanings. If you have the patience of a saint during a bitter Russian winter and you kinda sorta think you might want to learn to dance, I’d ask Cybernoid for a lesson. Just don’t be surprised when your foot gets crushed.

B-