The 86 Worst NES Games: Introduction and #s 86-74

 

During my quest, I graded at least 100 games with an “F” rating. Countless others received scores in the “D” and “C” range. No doubt about it: there’s an overwhelming amount of terrible titles for the NES. While the system’s great games will forever hold places in our hearts, so too will the bad; sometimes more so, depending on how traumatic the game.

 

But what makes a “bad” game? Is it poor design, poor control, poor graphics, music, rabble rabble? Certainly, obvious lack of care in a game’s development factors into its “badness.” For me, playability or lack thereof cements a game as good or bad. I can play through a good game like Castlevania from start to finish and have a wonderful time doing so. It’s challenging, sure, but everything you need to complete it – weapons, items, strong control – is designed into the game itself. In other words, it’s playable and completable – even if it is harder than sin. On the flip side, Deadly Towers is technically playable, in that, you can beat it if you try hard enough. Its incompetent design, however – poor hit detection, vague objectives, wandering through pointless rooms – renders it difficult to actually play the game, let alone enjoy.

 

Thus, the games on this Bottom 86 list are organized in terms of playability: playable (really bad, but hey, if you want to torture yourself…), barely playable (broken in many aspects, but your character still kinda does what they’re supposed to), and unplayable (“what is this?” “I can’t even begin to…” “how was this ever released?!” and other various exclamations).

 

Every game on Part 1 of the list is considered playable by me. Proceed with caution.

 

As a wise man once said, if you got beef, eat a pork chop. Or, you know, disagree in the comments section.
                     

                                                             THE BOTTOM 86 NES GAMES – PART 1

 

                                                                                               #86 – GHOUL SCHOOL

 

Ghoul-School-U-5B-5D-0

 

Ghoul School should have been like “The Breakfast Club,” except with monsters and blood instead of Emilio Estevez and feelings. Instead, it’s a go-nowhere locker-exploration fest that calls throwing random ghouls at you inspiration. Please yes, forget about Ghoul School.

 

                                                                                           #85 – FISHER PRICE SAGA

 

Fisher Price - I Can Remember (U) [!p]-0

 

Sure, I could have chosen one of the three Fisher-Price wastes of time, but in my eyes, they’re a complete blocky package. Firehouse Rescue, Perfect Fit, and I Can Remember are perfect examples of games for children that don’t actually teach children anything. And if you shoved all three games’ content into one cartridge, it still wouldn’t be worth the price of admission.

 

                                                                               #84 – DASH GALAXY IN THE ALIEN ASYLUM

 

Dash-Galaxy-in-the-Alien-Asylum-U-5B-5D-1

 

Dash Galaxy doesn’t offend as much it confuses. Is it supposed to be an action game? Dash can’t attack (he has bombs, but they’re limited) and he can barely jump. As I said in my review, “No boss, no attacking, no doing much of anything other than picking up items that don’t do much of anything.”  

 

                                                                                              #83 – MOTOR CITY PATROL

 

Motor-City-Patrol-U-5B-5D-0

 

Motor City Patrol was almost the precursor to Grand Theft Auto, but it decided to suck instead. Cops-and-robbers with Hot Wheel rip-offs is all fun-and-games until someone (here’s lookin’ at you, Source Research and Development) forgets to develop a worthwhile map system.

 

                                                                                                    #82 – DIRTY HARRY

 

Dirty-Harry-The-War-Against-Drugs-U-5B-p-5D-0

 

Harry should probably take a bath at some point, eh? Indeed his NES game finds him in top dirty form. Convoluted controller layouts (‘A’ and ‘B’ just to jump?! ‘Up’ and ‘A’ to kick?!) and boring exploration portions kick Harry up from mediocre to filthy, as quick as you can say “Go ahead, make my day.”

 

                                                                                          #81 – FLIGHT OF THE INTRUDER

 

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Unless you have a big honkin’ joystick, flight sims are usually less than enjoyable. Flight of the Intruder pretends that the NES can handle a flight sim without a joystick. Having to account for thrust, altitude, pitch, and yaw with a D-pad is no amateur flight jockey’s idea of a good time.

 

                                                                              #80 – WALLY BEAR AND THE NO! GANG

 

Wally-Bear-amp-the-No-Gang-Unl-5B-p-5D-3

 

If anyone‘s gonna make me do drugs, it’s gonna be Wally Bear and his No! Gang. Tell me, Wally, when did beating up junkies become fashionable? And I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to berate kids with anti-drug propaganda in the form of an NES game. Winners don’t need Wally Bear.

 

                                                                    #79 – BREAK TIME: THE NATIONAL POOL TOUR

 

Break-Time-The-National-Pool-Tour-U-5B-5D-0

 

The worst pool game on the NES by a wide margin. Sure, there’s lots of in-game options for the discerning pool enthusiast (14-1 Rack Game? Slow down, Break Time!), but good luck being able to play a full game without wanting to break your opponent/the pool table in half. Poor physics and overbearing load times are but two of my many objections.

 

                                                                                                 #78 – CLIFFHANGER

 

Cliffhanger-U-5B-p-5D-0

 

Sly Stallone and nature have a go in Cliffhanger. As with most poorly conceived and developed games based on ridiculous source material, Cliffhanger does not look, control, or play as a game should. Perhaps most damning is the in-game sprite that looks nothing like Stallone. The outrage…

 

                                                                                      #77 – P’RADIKUS CONFLICT

 

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If all you want out of a non-linear exploratory shoot-em-up is to shoot salted snack treats, P’Radikus is for you! If you’re seeking fully-formed gameplay that involves more than obliterating pretzels and searching the galaxy for some meaning (any meaning), stay away from this so-called “conflict.”

 

                                                            #76 – SESAME STREET: BIG BIRD’S HIDE AND SPEAK

 

Big-Bird-s-Hide-amp-Speak-U-5B-5D-2

 

Hide and Speak remembered to include digitized Big Bird sermons, but forgot to include challenge. I know Sesame Street games aren’t for guys in their late twenties, but I refuse to believe that kids are as dumb as these child’s game developers think they are.

 

                                                                                                      #75 – PREDATOR

 

Predator-U-5B-5D-3

 

“C’mon, kill me, I’m here!” Don’t be surprised if you shout this famous Arnold line from “Predator” many times while you’re playing the NES adaptation. Don’t be surprised if the game obliges you either. Predator is notoriously cheap, difficult, and awful – a triumvirate of terrible.

 

                                                                                                           #74 – AIRWOLF

 

Airwolf-U-5B-5D-0

 

Airwolf laughs at your desire to progress. “Want to beat a mission? Figure out what this dial means first!” “That’s just my fuel gauge…” you reply to Airwolf. Airwolf frowns and says, “Of course it is! Now… shoot this fighter jet!” A jet appears on the bland blue horizon. You shoot it down. “Ok, now can I go to the next level? I’ve shot a million jets already!” Airwolf cackles infinitely without replying. Your mind begins to break. You shut the game off, silencing Airwolf‘s mockeries forever. Peace and silence are your reward.

 

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Latest posts by Dylan Cornelius (see all)

  • 'Ghoul School should have been like “The Breakfast Club,” except with monsters and blood instead of Emilio Estevez and feelings.' Heh, well, that's not quite what it was going to be, but it apparently did diverge from the designer's original plans: http://bogleech.com/article-ghoulschool.html

    Also, a belated congratulations for completing the quest!

    • DylanCornelius

      Nice link!

      And thank you!

  • FieryReign

    That Cliffhanger game is hilarious. As are most of Sony Imagesoft games from that era. Looks like it was drawn by a 5 year old. Must've been a tactic by Sony to put out as much garbage on other systems, before releasing their own console.

    I predict #1 will be Taboo… or a Beam Software, Bandai, or Color Dreams title…

  • sebmorane

    Congratulation to me ! Never played or owned any of these !!

  • Guest

    Action 52 probably be #1

  • sean697

    Comment a little late, but of the terrible games here that. I have played, Predator is probrably the one I enjoyed most. As often happened in the 80's you would blindly get a game, and if it was bad, well you just had to suck it up and play it. Because money don't grow on trees and it might be 6 months before you can talk your parents into getting another. Well Predator was one of those games my friend got. I don't know if I had Stockholm Syndrome with this game or what, but after playing it over and over, it kind of got better the further you got. Once you got the hang of the controls, and memorized the cheap ass patterns, it kind of got fun to play. Me and my friend actually beat this game, well actually me because I was the only one who had the fortitude to put up with the games crap. A bad game? Yes. But not without some merits, or at least some appeal to people who like sadistic games. The graphics were pretty cool at any rate with all the different predator bosses.

  • Cavery210

    Heard that the Japanese version of Airwolf's a completely different game. They probably thought that Acclaim's Airwolf was crap and made a decent version.