Poorly made in America is still made in America. Let’s keep work at home, folks.
PLAYERS: 1-2 simultaneous/alternating
PUBLISHER: Active Enterprises
DEVELOPER: Active Enterprises
GENRE: Every genre, and as crappy as you could possibly conceive.
RELEASE DATE: September 1991
Read PART 1 and PART 2
The most terrifying face you’ve ever seen – bald green, with slug lips and fake vampire fangs – multiplies under the walkway, and you’re not so handsome yourself there, cowboy, but at least you’ve got a cape. ‘Course a cape hardly helps if you can’t fly or jump properly or do anything other than exist as a non-human.
#28: Cry Baby
“Cry me a baby,” spake the poet, and lo, a baby cried, as it shuffled between floors, taking down gangsters and babysitters with his plastic hand clappers (used previously to annoy those who attend beat poetry sessions – whoever “those” may be, beat poetry was never hip, and if it was, a baby wouldn’t need to use plastic hand clappers to create some sort of mood).
Danny TankMonger crushed his Red Bull and bulked up to the roof, never questioning what he was about to do. “The slashers…” he breathed heavily upon himself. “I will face them one by one, and one by one, they will fall… off the roof. Or explode.” Danny T. fights like he smells: amazing. And so, the slasher race was destroyed, thanks to Red Bull.
#30: Crazy Shuffle
One can not simply perform the Crazy Shuffle. It takes years of trudging through a swamp maze, while forgetting all of the dances you’ve learned throughout your small life: the Macarena, the Charleston, the Twist. Once you have removed your body of all dancing abilities and accidentally swallowed at least a gallon of swamp water, then the Shuffle may be taught.
#31: Fuzz Power
Neanderthals covered in hair, completely caught unawares, a hairdryer blowing puffs of air, don’t know what it’s doing there, gusts of air blow off the hair, completely shorn and bald and fair, the man is naked, oh yes, they dare, to draw 8-bit buttcheeks, they don’t care, Fuzz Power forever and forever we stare.
#32: Shooting Gallery
If I gave a shotgun to an ordinary man – red shirt, blue pants, comfortable in his boring, work-a-day existence – and gave him strict orders to wander into a carnival, find a shooting gallery, and shoot anything he saw, there would be a wealth of dead animals and a very disturbed man in that shooting gallery. I think I’ll just hold on to the shotgun.
In a dystopian world overrun by deliciously evil Candy Creatures, one man, Pops Lolly, threatens to pull the Enchanted Lollipop out of the Gumdrop Mountain and slay the Dark Chocolate Queen. This man threatens, “I’ll pull it out! And when I do, you’re going down, Dark Chocolate Queen!” He steadies himself on his walker and shuffles back to the rec room.
#34: Evil Empire
In a dystopian world overrun by rap-metal bands, one rap-metal band threatens to shred the hardest rap that’s ever been. Tom Morello, Zach de la Rocha, and Misc. must channel Che Guevara’s spirit in order to overcome the Triple Threat of Durst, Davis, and Rock. Nobody wins, and the world returns to normal of its own accord.
A young hitchhiker of Mexican descent straps on a sombrero and decides to walk down the middle of the hot tar road in the middle of the desert, while low-income housing and the evil sun burn with intent. “Boy, am I glad I have a sombrero,” the young hitchhiker declared. “Without it, I’d surely be a soupy puddle on this melting asphalt.”
#36: Storm Over the Desert
Also known as “Desert Storm” where General Schwarzkopf and Saddam decide to confront each other in man-to-man combat. Not quite man-to-man, as Saddam has discovered how to clone and enlarge himself. Godzilla Saddams stomp lonely in the field, while a gray Schwarzkopf-powered tank putters angrily. It’s too hot today.
#37: Mash Man
Bangers and mash is a scrumptious meal, but if you don’t know what it involves, the name can sound quite, er, naughty. That’s why it’s good to know that “bangers” are “sausages” and “mash” are “mashed potatoes.” It’s also, frankly, one of the few British meals worth eating, which is why the Mash Man recommends at least four servings of bangers and mash a day.
#38: They Came…
Sea anemones in space? Get out of here!
#39: Lazer League
When you sign up for the Lazer League, you’ll get a jet pack, a lazer gun (that’s with a ‘z,’ remember! If you use an ‘s’, we’re authorized to kill you!), and your very own soul-eating turnip to shove into your back. The turnip can feel a bit intrusive at first, but let it burrow in a few inches and you’ll wonder how your soul ever worked without it!
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